Smoke it Away.....

Puff it in,
Close your eyes,
There is no truth,
There are no lies

When it goes in
When I blow it away
There is no night
There is no day!

I will not try hard

I always used to try too hard
I was always up on my guard
I kept for last my best card
I always felt short by one yard...

They said cover it yard by yard
Keep for the last your best card
Always stay up on your guard
Son! You always gotta try Hard...

Why was I denied the last yard
Why wasn't it best, My last card
When I did fall off my guard
No! - Now I will not try Hard...!

I will not try hard...
I will not try hard....

Writer's Block or Life's Block?

Life becomes a routine and that, is the most unfortunate thing that can happen to you. The spark, the spontaneity, the jazz, it all just starts fading away. The worse thing is you start accepting it. Now that is not just worse – It is “the worst” thing that can happen to a human life.

There was a time when you would look at such persons - whose life has become just a boring routine, and they have accepted it - and you would think to yourself (not just to yourself but think it loud with a bang!!):
What kind of people are these??
How can they live such a dull, monotonous life??
And how in the hell can they accept it all and just don't do anything about it??


Then as the time passes by, the dreadful though just hits you right into your face. Not that it just happens overnight, but the damn realization happens like that. That moment - (What would be the opposite of the: “Eureka Moment”. Poor vocabulary just makes a limped writer, ain’t it??) just bangs your head like a hammer. Not hammer exactly; you have that “big huge iron ball” hanging from chain on big crushers and bulldozers. Yeah! thats precisely what happens to you. You got to imagine this right away in your minds!!

“You are a ‘cartoon guy’: A disfigured, loser type of a cartoon character. Your face is expressionless and dumb. You are standing on a street - alone surrounded by big sky scrapers. And you hear a small sound from the back side (Pee Pee...Watch out Loser!!) and as you turn around, you see this big iron ball flying your way...
And WHAM!!.....before you even realize what is happening, the thing has hit you...!"

All said and shown, the point is, as life goes on there comes a stage when things start settling down.(Settling down for an old guy's perspective / Fucking Dull from a young ones). May be yes, it comes off with the age. As you hit the quarter century age bracket the "settling down" factor comes in. And it starts growing slowly over years. You don't like random pub hopping, you don't really wanna risk it out, "Lets do it” kind of attitude starts disappearing.

You always thought of it as a Writer's block , but suddenly when the iron ball hitting you - The realization day and The “Moment of Enlightment” occurs and you think of bigger picture !!
The Life Block?

Is it?

Pushkar - Got Published in JAM!

.:: JAM : Etcetera Article: Pushkar

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Happiest Person

Thinking about that evening still made him smile, not smile but something between smile and laugh...

In those days the girl next door used to like him or had a sort of crush on him. She had passed on a message to him that she always gives him a smile but he never returns it. Now he happened to watch a romantic movie in those days and he was way too impressed by the proposing lines of a guy to heroine. He liked it so much that it produced an irresistible urge in him to use it in his life. Now he started wondering to whom to propose. He thought of all his female friends but it did not make any sense to him.
Naturally ,then he decided on this girl next door. The lines went on something like this :

(on his knees and holding her hand),
” Dear…. you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my whole life.(He added my own lines to it obviously).As you said that you smiled at me many times, forgive me but I always failed to notice that. Even if I would have noticed it, I wouldn’t have believed it. Such a beautiful girl smiling at me( I know its exaggerated)?... I want to tell you that I love you, from the very bottom of my heart. Give me a chance. I would give you the every happiness in the world. Believe me if you say yes, I would be the happiest person of this planet today. But if its no, just walk away and I would always remember you and will be there for you always..!”
( If everything goes smooth kiss her hand).

The line that hit him the most was that - 'if you say yes I would be the happiest person on the planet.' So one day he just went ahead and told her friends to call her right now that he wanted to talk to her. She came and he told her to meet him next evening in a park and before she protested or said something he turned back and walked away. Alright that was nice show of attitude!

Next day came. During all this he was very confident that he would do it. He was kind of over confident, He though it was a walk over cake for him. All he wanted to do was use that lines and tell himself that he could do it.

Evening came and the so did the time. It had already got dark. He took along a friend and stood at one corner. And she came..., but damn it! She was with three of her friends. But no problems, He told myself. He was booming with confidence. He went right ahead and her friends were giggling. He asked her (rudely which he later realized) that he had told her to come alone and he wanted to talk to her only and told her friends to leave them alone.

Giggles again!

He couldn’t understand why they were acting so weirdly. She asked them not to go, but they left and stood at one corner. And suddenly she put her both hands on her face!

... Hell!!….. That was it.. And that was the turning point for him that evening. Man she was blushing and acting shy! At that moment he realized it. He knew that was dumb of him to have realized it that late. But he understood her friend’s giggling and weird behavior. They all had known that he was going to propose her. But he wasn’t prepared for this. It was just one those impulses of doing something that he was acting on.

And then the dreadful thing happened. Goosebumps stuck him. He had forgotten all those line which were on his mind from so many days.

What do I say?
What do I do now?
Get on you knees and hold her hand- his mind told him.
Are you crazy- He snapped back to his mind.
Alright, alright forget it... Start of with your lines man!
What lines? He asked his mind again.
Yes he was in deep shit. And then he did the most absurd thing of his life.

He offered her his hand and asked her "Would you be my friend?"
That stuck her pretty hard because he could see her face and her expressions, like asking him “What the hell are you doing?”
She took his hand though.

And he could think of no thing else so he turned back.



"Hey!"
He looked back at her. “ Is that what you had to say?”.
"Do not ask me that for God’s sake I had to say a whole fucking movie dialogue to you sweety."
He thought to himslef.
He said “Yes ."

"That is all?”. She was not shocked but she was disappointed he could see that.
So once again he started walking. He had moved a few steps that he heard a voice calling his name again. To his horrors they all were there with her- all her friends. So once again he went back.
One of them snapped “Come on man! This wasn’t what you came here for. Go ahead and say what you came to tell her.”

"Bitch! How did she know that? I didn’t even tell it to my best friend and she tells me to say what I had come here to say to her." He thought.
Yes it would have felt like shit but the ego always overcomes such feelings for him. “ What? I was precisely what I had say to her” He said to them.
There were many more “Come one” and “Say it” coming from them. But once again he went back and this time not turning back to any voices he heard. He have had enough of it.

"They must be thinking that I got nervous and couldn’t say what I had wanted to say. But he looked so sure of himself. But what happened to him? Poor guy..!" He was thinking all this to himslf.


He calls it a prank God played with him. And yes he was laughing right then.

"Poor me! She had come there to make me the happiest person on the planet that day!"

Fucked Up Everything!

"Life Sucks!"
"This is hell man!"
"Nothing to do in this rotten life"
"I am sick of it all!"
"Fuck you man..Lets do something!"

These were the things they have been telling each other from last one week. Now they were so sick and bored of saying it all again and again that they had stopped it. They just walked. There was no need to say anything. These lines played constantly in their heads. It played in there all the time. They were getting used to it.

Living with it.

Fucked up Life.
Fucked up Mind.
Fucked up Everything!

and they just walked....

They just walked..somewhere, wherever the fucking way took them. No one uttered a word. They just got the feeling to turn, they would turn, if they felt like walking straight that's what they did.

Life did suck.
Brains were indeed fucked.

And they walked.

They walked into some dark alleys. Silent, gloomy and dark alleys! It did not matter to them.

Dhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

He felt the sharp vibration as his shoulder brushed the side wall of the alley. And the dead fucked brain woke up from the grave. He touched his body with the wall again.

Dhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

Fuck!! What was that.
He gestured his partner to feel the wall too..

Dhmmmmmmmmmmmm...........

Fuckin Heavens.. What was that!

Door! There has to be a door. A door which gets them to the other side of the road. They started searching for the door frantically.

Dhmmmmmmmmm.....

They felt it again and again. What the fuck was on with this freakin wall?

Here...I found the door...The fuckin door!

They opened up the door...


Dhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......

The deafening noise. The fuckin earth moving noise. The loud leads of guitar. The bass that would fucking tear you apart.

Two big guys blocked their way.

" What level you punks want?"
" Level?"
" Oh you fucking first timers haan...Gime em level 1 danny"

And something hit their arms. A pinched sharp pain. As they moved and checked out their arms. The needle was already injected into their blood.

" What the fuck was thaaaa....?"

And they were pushed inside....!

They saw a big place. The huge stage. Some rock band. The lead singer screaming into the microphone. Hundreds of people. All in black. All headbanging. All lost in their own world. It was a whole new fuckin world within this world.

"Screaaaaaaaaaam...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

The voice tore them apart. And suddenly they were floating in the air. What the fuck was happening. They floated. They were in the air. They wanted to move their body. But mind did not respond. Nothing responded. And they floated!


" All you Mothaaaa fuckaaaaaaaaaaassss........Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"


They stopped to fight the flow. They stopped giving any resistance. And they floated. They floated.....in the fuckin air!!!!!

The crowd put 'em down.


The heart was banging inside. Beating? Fuckin No! It was banging inside. It was fuckin gonna come outta fuckin chest. He held his chest. He wanted to stop the heart to blow apart his chest and come out. No....Stop..!


" Lets Fuckin Rock it Tonight........................"


Fuck! What was happening. Everything was moving. Every fuckin thing out there was. or was it his head? Was he head banging.. He couldn't tell that. Whatever it was it felt good.... fuckin good!


" Life Rockssss!"
" This is Heaven.."
" This is the life..!"
" I am fuckin loving this shit!"
" Fuck you man..We are rocking.."




".........Screammm..............fuckin Screaaaaaaaaam............."


"...................Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........."


And they floated...
They just floated....
Floated in the air...
Fuckin air that is!

And he closed his eyes

He was returning home after another hectic day at office. He got into his swank convertible and pushed the accelerator. The traffic was getting onto his nerves. The vehicles were crowding the road. There were people everywhere. He felt like a small insect in between the maze of sky scrappers. His head was all fucked up. He wanted to curse, but was too shattered inside to even do that. He had to go clubbing with his friends that night. He switched on his car stereo….

His hair was flowing in the air. The car was open now and the wind was refreshing. Armin Van played on his music player. He was driving smoothly along the sea. He saw the sea, the trees and he smelled the salt. His head was now clear. Air hitting his head, music in his ears, sea smell in nose and hands on the wheel… And he closed his eyes…

His car was flying in the sky. He was driving through clouds. Armin still streamed through his speakers. The wings had just appeared on side of his car. This was awesome. He felt cold. He felt nice. The city under him looked like tiny dots, tiny insects. And he closed his eyes….

He could see green laser lights moving around everywhere. He could see flashing lights. He could hear the same music. He moved up and saw he was in a rave. Good Old Armin was at his console spinning the music. People were moving in the trance, and were in trance. He joined them. This was heaven. Music was dictating his every body move. And he closed his eyes…

He was sitting in a dark room. It seemed wooden. He went outside the door. It was a small wooden cottage with a bulb on top. He saw outside. He saw mountains. Peaks everywhere, shining in the moon light. He himself was on a peak looking at the others. He had always looked at mountains since childhood and seen a light or two in some far away mountain. He always wondered who lived there all alone. Now he realized, he was at one of those places. He felt nice. And he closed his eyes….

He felt something in his mouth. It was a tongue. He found himself lip locked with some woman. He pushed his tongue inside her mouth. Both the tongues felt and licked each other. She started moving her lips on his neck. She gave her licks and bites. He felt good. He felt heavenly. And he closed his eyes….

He could hear some roaring sound. “ And that point, it is very important and you press the button. Go on and have fun.” Then he was pushed. Holy fuckin shit! He was sky diving. He was falling. He felt free. He felt good. He started enjoying this. Then he felt as he was about to touch the ground. He pushed the button. Nothing. Again. Nothing. What the hell, He thought. And he closed his eyes….







He heard laughter. He heard voices. Familiar voices. He heard music. Trance Music. Armin Van. People Dancing. Smoke all around. Lights… People sitting along with him on couches. Yes! He knew them.

“Welcome back dude!”
“How was the trip?”


Trip? He thought…..
What Trip………..?
………….
…..
…
..
.
Oh Trip!

“FUCKING AWESOME!”